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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28953840">Just to Forget</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/winedad16/pseuds/winedad16'>winedad16</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Guide to Forgetting and Learning How to Feel [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Jojo Rabbit (2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>1940s Germany - Freeform, Angst, F/M, Freddy is married, Freddy-centric, M/M, Meeting Again, Mild Sexual Content, Period-Typical Homophobia, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:35:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,271</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28953840</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/winedad16/pseuds/winedad16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Freddy comes across K again, seven years later, but things have changed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Freddy Finkel/Captain Klenzendorf, Freddy Finkel/Original Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Guide to Forgetting and Learning How to Feel [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123697</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Just to Forget</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warnings for:<br/>Death of a newborn<br/>Suicide (Attempt/Thoughts)<br/>- The American National Suicide Hotline is 800-273-8255.<br/>No full-on sex scenes but sexual content is very much present.<br/>-Wrap it before you tap it</p><p> </p><p>A comment on the last part reminded me that this has been sitting in my google drive half-written... So thank you anonymous user for reminding me!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>      Freddy tiredly rubbed his eyes as he followed his new leading-Lieutenant down the hall. He hadn’t gotten much sleep as of late and the military regime wasn’t helping him. As he was shown the ropes, they approached a handful of Captains and Sergeants chatting. Walking by them, Freddy did his best to discreetly look them up and down. Quite a few were incredibly attractive and well built, especially one of them. As his gaze moved up to the man’s face, he almost stopped in his tracks.</p><p>      It could have been his imagination, but he could have sworn that the Captain that had caught his eye was the man that had taken his virginity a handful of years ago. He immediately tried to push the thought away- But, the Captain seemed to notice him too.</p><p>      The rest of the day, the captain consumed Freddy’s mind- Stealing quick glances at him whenever he could. He quickly realized that it <em> was </em> him, but wished that he hadn’t because it only sent a wave of unresolved emotions over him. After that first (and only) night over seven years ago with this <em> ‘K’ </em> character, he held some twisted mix of contempt and admiration for him. The man was incredibly kind but after he left him hanging it created this immense sense of abandonment and shame in Freddy. </p><p>      Why did he ever expect anything else from the man? The agenda was to get off with someone- and Freddy realized that he added a few extra steps to that. No wonder why K left and was with another man- Freddy had been a long process in which it took ages for the now-captain to get off. The younger realized that K took a while to become satisfied the first time and that he never even came in him the second time. Ever since then, Freddy never let himself be the slow and unsure fuck; Always allowing future men to just… <em> Go for it… </em>Never wanting someone to be unsatisfied when they left- Forgetting that he deserved to be satisfied as well. </p><p>      That factor amongst many others brought Freddy to here, an army base in Austria, with a letter from his wife in his hands. His heart dropped when he opened the letter. His wife had just delivered their first child and the baby hadn’t survived. He felt absolutely devastated and guilty, but it wasn’t that he was upset that wasn’t able to be with the baby in its very few minutes of life, but that his wife was going to be left alone. </p><p>      Originally, the pregnancy announcement letter was a complete shock to Freddy. Whenever he and his wife had sex, which was a rarity on its own, Freddy would force out pleased moans and would pretend to orgasm once his wife had. Sex with his wife had always been performative- Never genuine; at least on Freddy’s end... Except for one time.  </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>      Freddy had just returned home for a few weeks, having received leave. His wife had been hinting on getting intimate after-hours ever since he had gotten home, which was three days prior, and he wasn’t exactly looking forward to it. In an attempt to ease his need to postpone his and his wife’s inevitable intimacy, he decided to suggest doing something different in the bedroom.</p><p>“Friedrich, I’m not a whore,” His wife sighed as she braided her hair, preparing to go to bed.</p><p>“I know that you aren’t and I’m definitely not saying you are, but I was thinking that we could change things up a bit,” Freddy tried to reason as he combed his hair. “We’re supposed to be able to talk about this stuff, right? We’re married.”</p><p>“Freddy, Dear,” His wife turned to him as she placed a bobby pin in her hair. “I love you, Darling, but being… <em> Penetrated </em> from behind is for prostitutes.”</p><p>“Oh that’s just a stigma,” Freddy sighed as his wife fiddled with the front of his shirt.</p><p>“I don’t think it is. Besides, when I’m on my back I get to look into your big blue eyes and looking into one another’s eyes as we make love is romantic,” She leaned up on her tiptoes and pecked her husband’s lips. “Right?’</p><p>      Freddy nodded.</p><p>“You’re right. You’re right,” He gently rubbed the side of her hip. “As always.”</p><p>      He did agree on the notion of eye contact during intimacy, but not when it was with the woman he was married to. Seeing her face during intimate moments made him feel guilty about lying to her for (over) four years now.</p><p>“But if you… If you want to we can.”</p><p>“No,” Freddy replied. “If you don’t want to we don’t have to. I understand.”</p><p>“I want it,” She assured him with a warm smile before adding, “It can be your welcome-home gift. Just… Just keep it in my… Lady parts.” </p><p>      Freddy recognized that she was trying to compromise, but it really defeated the purpose of him asking for anal sex. But, he appreciated it- He appreciated <em> her… </em>He just wished it could be in a way that a man romantically in love with her would.</p><p>      So there he was, behind his wife, thrusting and grunting. Turns out, not having a female face to look at during sex made it ten times easier for Freddy to get off. He could close his eyes (without his wife questioning it) and picture a man- He honestly thought that any man would do at this point, the postman, the grocer, any of his colleagues back in Poland… But no matter what man he held in the front of his mind it just wasn’t doing it, much to his disappointment. He didn’t understand why it wasn’t working, it always did when he quietly masturbated in the bathroom behind his wife’s back... So why not now? </p><p>      He kept moving as his wife moaned into the pillow below her, breathily crying out her husband’s name. Her extremely feminine noises weren't really helping Freddy focus on enjoying himself, but his mind almost immediately made up for that. From the back of his mind came the memory of when he had lost his virginity. It wasn’t a memory he tried to focus on anymore, but it was <em> doing it </em> for him. He focused on the night as much as he could and soon found himself stumbling over his words, making completely incoherent noises as he sloppily thrusted his way through his orgasm. His wife came moments after and the two dropped down onto the sheets below them. After a minute of calming down, his wife turned on her side and looked at Freddy with wide and impressed eyes.</p><p>“Was it really that good?” She asked. “Because you’ve never… You’ve never been so… <em> Passionate </em>, Darling.”</p><p>      Freddy looked at her with a satisfied smile, but the guilt was already filling his stomach.</p><p>“It was,” He looked up to the ceiling, thinking about what just happened. “It was.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>      The sergeant genuinely didn’t think anything about that night beyond the fact that it <em> worked </em> until he got the letter in the mail. He shouldn’t have been so surprised- They never used condoms after six months of being married. His wife wanted kids but Freddy knew he never came, so it was no big deal to either of them. But… <em> Who knew that the first time he had come in his four years of marriage that it would result in a child? </em></p><p>      But, something had dawned on him two months prior to where he was now. The child could be something he left for his wife- Just so she wouldn’t be lonely; Maybe something other than a note that said: <em> “I’m sorry.” </em> But of course, that would be the only thing he would be leaving behind.</p><p>     What you have to understand is that Freddy was planning on killing himself, and he had been for a long time. For a month now, the letters to his wife and mother had been drafted but the revolver under his pillow was a newer addition. He decided that he would do it the next day during lunch hour just so no one had to witness it. He thought that it would be easier that way- Knowing no one would have to watch him do it.</p><p>“Sergeant Finkel,” His leading-Lieutenant shouted, breaking him out of his thoughts.</p><p>“Yes sir?” Freddy replied as he stood, tucking the letter into his pocket as he did so.</p><p>“Captain Klenzendorf would like to see you in his office at twenty-one-hundred.”</p><p>      Freddy nodded.</p><p>“Yes sir,” He echoed.</p><p>      The other man nodded and bid him goodnight, and the moment he left, Freddy sighed and flopped back into his bunk. He checked his watch, noted that there was an hour until he needed to meet with the Captain, and placed his head in his hands. He wasn’t looking forward to meeting with the man who was definitely the same man that had taken his virginity seven years ago… But maybe it could be an opportunity for him to get some answers before he left. So, he waited. He waited… And waited… And waited; Impatiently flipping through his journal and checking his watch as he did so. Eventually, nine o’clock was only five minutes away. With a heavy sigh, he stood from his bunk and headed out.</p><p>      He couldn’t help but nervously fidget as he made his way through corridors, immediately regretting that he decided to leave earlier than needed- Cursing himself out under his breath as he continued his small journey. Just as he turned the corner, the captain’s office door swung open. Freddy watched as a man left the office, stumbling out with a relaxed gait. The sergeant recognized that look and inwardly grimaced. When he made eye contact with Freddy, his smile dropped and his entire posture changed. They shared a small nod before they exchanged positions, Freddy, now in front of the door while the man turned the corner. He knocked on the door after taking a deep breath and waited for a response. After a few seconds, he heard the captain call out <em> ‘Come in!” </em>. Still a bit disgusted, Freddy wrapped his sleeve over his hand and opened the door. The second he stepped in he made eye contact with the older man, who was throwing on his jacket.</p><p>“Hello,” The captain greeted. “It’s… Freddy, right?”</p><p>      Freddy nodded and closed the door behind him, hesitating to step closer for a moment before proceeding towards the man, who was now standing behind his desk.</p><p>“And you’re… K,” Freddy began, a bit on the defense.</p><p>      K nodded with a small smile.</p><p>“It’s been a while, huh?” The captain said, trying to make conversation.</p><p>      Freddy didn’t reply and went to place his hand on the desk but immediately retracted it. He didn’t want to know what<em> surfaces </em>had been sullied less than ten minutes ago and definitely did not want to touch them. The lack of response prompted the captain to step around the desk and outstretch his hand to Freddy. </p><p>“It’s a pleasure to see you again,” He said with a small smirk.</p><p>      Freddy accepted it and gave it a small shake, both letting their grips linger for a moment before letting go.</p><p>“It’s…” Freddy kicked himself for not knowing what to say. “It’s surprising to see you here. You know, with the war and all.”</p><p>      K laughed.</p><p>“It’s definitely the last place where I thought I’d see you again.”</p><p>      Freddy forced out a small chuckle and quickly swiped his tongue over his bottom lip as he looked at the captain. The sergeant saw that K was still incredibly handsome and he hated that he did. He couldn’t get himself to deny that he wouldn’t mind it if the captain bent him over the side of the desk and fucked him raw- Suddenly not caring about how clean the surface was. His brief fantasy ended when he realized that K was talking. He nervously wiped his face, still not processing what the other man was saying until he was brought back to reality when the captain took his hand in his.</p><p>“You got hitched?” The captain pointed out as he raised Freddy’s left hand, turning it as he watched the light bounce off the gold band on his finger. “What’s her name?”</p><p>“Any reasonable man would these days,” Freddy quickly replied as he yanked his hand down before nervously swallowing, purposely avoiding the question.</p><p>“God, you’re just as fidgety as you were the night I met you,” K muttered with a fond smile as he weaved his fingers between Freddy’s.</p><p>“I’m not… I’m not an insecure virgin anymore,” Freddy whispered back, his eyes flickering down to the other’s lips.</p><p>“Well, I did take care of one of those things,” K chuckled. </p><p>“Don’t be such an ass,” Freddy whispered, a hint of playfulness in his tone.</p><p>“Does your wife know?”</p><p>“Don’t bring Brigitta into this.”</p><p>“Oh, so it’s <em> Brigitta.” </em></p><p>“I said to not bring her into this.”</p><p>“Then what should I be doing then, Sergeant?” The captain questioned.</p><p>“I don’t know- Maybe you… You should…” Freddy thickly swallowed and rolled his lips together.</p><p>“I should what?” K asked as he leaned closer.</p><p>“You should...” Freddy trailed off as his lips pressed into the other man’s.</p><p>      K pressed Freddy closer to him as he seized his mouth with his own. The sergeant’s mouth opened beneath the captain’s with a small moan as K tugged on his belt. Their movements were fast and desperate and eventually, K’s mouth traveled down to beneath Freddy’s jaw. The sergeant sighed and ran his hands down the back of K’s head and to his shoulders. As he took the moment to breathe, he remembered where he was and <em> who </em>he was with. When K went back to devouring his mouth, he felt his stomach twist.</p><p>
  <em> What was he doing? </em>
</p><p>      Freddy pushed K away, the fear of being burned clear in his eyes.</p><p>“What are you doing?” He asked.</p><p>“Kissing you?”</p><p>“Oh, I know <em> that </em> ,” Freddy spat as he stepped away, the captain following his movements. <em> “Why?” </em></p><p>“Do you not like it?” K asked with a playful smile.</p><p>“Oh of course I-” Freddy stopped himself from boosting the man’s ego. “No, I do not. I’m married.”</p><p>      K chuckled.</p><p>“That doesn’t mean you can’t like it.”</p><p>      Freddy turned to face the captain with a huff.</p><p>“That doesn’t… That doesn’t…” He let out a long breath as he eyed the captain down.</p><p>      After a second of contemplating, he mumbled out <em> ‘fuck it’ </em> and took K’s face in his hands. A bit surprised, K took Freddy’s hips in his hands and pressed him up against the wall. The two gasped and moaned against the other’s mouths, rocking their hips up against one another as their hands roamed and pulled at the fabric that covered their torsos. Before Freddy knew it, K’s hands were working on his belt. This snapped him out of his sex-driven daze and he once again pushed the captain away. K looked at him, completely confused that the younger man was doing this <em> again </em>.</p><p>“Are you out of your mind?” Freddy whisper-yelled. “We’re in the middle of an army base- You can’t just fuck me <em> here.” </em></p><p>“Who said I was trying to?” K retorted, getting the gist of Freddy’s inconsistency issues.</p><p>      Freddy’s face turned an embarrassed red.</p><p>“You weren’t?”</p><p>      K chuckled, not denying nor confirming it, and stepped back before snatching up a lighter and a familiar cigarette tin. A moment passed before the captain spoke again.</p><p>“You know, I never saw you again after that night. Where’d you go?”</p><p>      Freddy rolled his eyes.</p><p>“First of all, that's none of your business, and second... I chose not to go back.”</p><p>“Why? Did my cock scare you off?” </p><p>“No,” Freddy huffed.</p><p>“Then what did?”</p><p>“Oh I don’t know, maybe the fact that not even an hour after you took <em> my </em> virginity you went and <em> dicked down </em> another man like it never happened,” Freddy spat, his emotions now stirring.</p><p>“Oh, Freddy- You don’t-”</p><p>“Don’t <em> ‘Oh Freddy’ </em> me,” The sergeant sneered. “You don’t get to call me by my name when you only gave me some silly nickname. I can’t believe I even thought that it was <em> cute. </em> I think I deserved to know the name of the man who took my virginity. Do you know how long I <em> dwelled </em>on what it was for?”</p><p>      K looked at Freddy for a moment as he took a drag from his cigarette.</p><p>“It’s Rolfe,” He sighed. “It’s Rolfe.”</p><p>      Freddy laughed.</p><p>“That was easy. Thank you”</p><p>      K nodded.</p><p>“Now you know.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Freddy sighed as he ran a hand over his face before plopping down in the chair to his left, officially no longer caring about what surfaces he touched. “You know, my first boyfriend was named Rolfe. If you can even call him that.”</p><p>      K took a long drag from his cigarette, letting the man talk.</p><p>“He was tall, blond, muscular… Thirty going on forty-seven with a wife and four kids,” Freddy sighed and looked over to the captain with a weak smile. “Everything I’d want in a man, really.”</p><p>      K chuckled at that before Freddy added,</p><p>“At least you don’t remind me of him.”</p><p>      The captain furrowed his brow and took a long look at Freddy, the sergeant taking notice almost immediately.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I don’t get you.”</p><p>      Freddy awkwardly laughed.</p><p>“What don’t you get?”</p><p>      The captain swiveled in his chair and placed his feet up onto his desk, ankles comfortably crossed at the center.</p><p>“You’re kissing me one minute, pissed off the next, kissing me again, pissed off <em> again </em>, and then confiding in me about some guy that was fucking you on the side. I don’t get it.”</p><p>      Freddy sighed.</p><p>“I don’t… I guess I don’t get it either. I haven’t understood a lot of things for a while,” He ran his hand over his face. “Especially since we...” </p><p>      He shifted around in his seat.</p><p>“That night did a lot of things to <em> and </em> for me. You did. I just-” He looked at K with a broken gaze as he shook his head repeatedly. </p><p>      His mind was going at a hundred miles an hour and he just wanted to numb it.</p><p>“I think we should fuck. Like right now.”</p><p>      Freddy then stood after saying that, hoping that K would agree, while the captain stood too, more so confused.</p><p>“Hey, are you sure about-” The captain stepped closer. “You don’t seem to be in the right mindset to really be doing this.”</p><p>      Freddy gave him a look as he moved forward.</p><p>“Don’t get me wrong, getting laid ag- <em> Tonight </em> would be great but I think you’ve got to calm down.”</p><p>      The sergeant shook his head <em> ‘no. </em>’</p><p>“No. I’m fine. I want it,” He felt ashamed having to go about it this way. “I actually think I <em> need </em> it.”</p><p>      K nodded, taking Freddy’s word as truth, and pulled the taller man in by his collar. Less than five minutes later, Freddy was over the desk, his hand covering his mouth to suppress his pleasured moans, with K’s hands tightly on his thighs as the captain snapped his hips. Freddy felt like he could have cried- For multiple reasons; good and bad ones- But he was fine with this being the thing that helped him forget. That’s all he wanted, just to forget. Just to forget the fact that his wife had just delivered <em> his </em> baby- one that didn’t get a chance, just to forget how horrible he felt about it, just to forget how lonely he felt, just to forget how unhappy he was- Just for one final night.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And there's part two! I'll definitely be posting a part 3 and then *possibly* a part 4.</p><p>Let me know what you thought! :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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